Tuesday, 10 April 2007

David Irving's Revised History Of Pop

Hi, David Irving here.
As a world famous maverick historian, I'd normally be too busy to contribute to this blog. Unfortunately, I am currently stuck in a prison cell in Austria with only a copy of The Residents' 'Third Reich & Roll' for entertainment. A lifelong fan of rock music, I have come to suspect that the received view of its history has been distorted by a liberal bias imposed by the victorious powers of the Second World War. In my forthcoming bestseller, I identify a series of persistent pop myths and do my best to set the record straight. To whet your appetite, here are some examples of the fruits of my tireless academic research.

The Birth Of Rock & Roll.
Open any 'official' history book and you'll be told that rock and roll was invented in the 1950s by black Americans. This is a lie! It was in fact developed by Chinese serfs in the middle ages and exported around the globe by spice merchants. Ironically, America's isolationist foreign policy meant that it was the only country in the world without a proud rock tradition by the late nineteenth century. Rock & Roll finally arrived on American shores when Chuck Berry was deported from Shanghai during the Cultural Revolution.

Dylan Goes Electric.
Boring, grown up music magazines like Mojo, Uncut and Rolling Stone endlessly re-tell the story of Bob Dylan's conversion to the joys of rock but I have it on excellent authority that this never happened! On a recent lecture tour of midwest rifle clubs, I met a cousin of Dylan's who insists his famous relative is still strumming away at coffee houses in Greenwich Village under the name Mossy Datsun. The figure we now know as Dylan is in fact a Gorillaz-style animation invented in 1962 when the CIA thought protest singers were planning to bring down the military-industrial complex by getting their tits out and singing about hammers.

David Bowie: Chameleon of Pop.
Rock superstar Bowie is famous for changing his identity. What is less well known is that his early 'Ziggy Stardust' persona was a highly sophisticated double bluff. Bowie is, in fact, an actual space alien from space. If you want proof, check out the irrefutable documentary evidence I taped off BBC2, in which 'Bowie' is seen arriving on Earth to fetch water for his dying planet.

M-People Win The Mercury Music Prize.
Incredibly, this did actually happen. What is less well known is that their 90's smash 'Search For The Hero' was a work of plagiarism. Originally a poem by Friedrich Holderlein, it was set to music in the mid-thirties by a hack composer from Dusseldorf and soon became a popular singalong on Hitler Youth marches. My source, currently resident in a Brazilian retirement home, assures me that this shocking fact has been hushed up by a Yankee-Zionist music industry determined to undermine the achievements of National Socialism.

'It's Like Punk Never Happened' by David Irving is out in June. Its author is expected to follow some time in 2008.

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