Thursday, 19 April 2007

How To Make It In The Music Business

With the South West Sound music convention returning to Bristol this month, every man and his dealer is going to be in town giving helpful advice to the kids on how to "make it" in the music business.

While the very idea of a music 'industry' gives Blood Red Sounds terrifying visions of a kind of machine-woven prolefeed doled out to undermine the democracy of free expression, clearly some of you would rather be part of the problem than the solution. Well, either that or you're not as paranoid as I am.

Anyway, if you do fancy yourself as a stitch in the boot that's stamping on the face of humanity, here are a few ways your career as a lifestyle accessory might turn out.

Unfortunately, as if to illustrate the protean mass of contraditions that is Chokecentral's existence, I've named each option after a song you probably wouldn't even have heard of without the evil machinations of those dirty little men in suits, thereby seriously undermining my whole point.

The 'Please Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood’
1. Get signed
2. Get dropped
3. Kill yourself
(NB: the second stage isn’t really that important)

The ‘See You On The Way Back Down’ (with apologies to Hacksaw)
1. Get signed
2. Get dropped
3. Hit the ‘revival’ trail. Have all your hopes and dreams crushed by the mocking laughter of the fickle public.
4. Kill yourself

The ‘Crossroads Blues’ (aka Living The Dream)
1. Have the time of your life making ground-breaking, thrilling music
2. Stop taking yourself so bloody seriously. Invent unit shifting pop act with a nod to underground credibility
3. Make $$$hitloads
4. Start your own label to support new talent and ‘give something back’
5. Sell out label to the majors, retire on the proceeds and try to appear nonchalant as they destroy everything you ever worked for when you were still recognisable as a human being
6. Kill yourself. Or get killed. Or possibly kill someone else.

The ‘Wannabe’
1. Form band
2. Create press pack in which the prominently displayed phrase ‘interest from a number of major labels’ actually refers to the number of your CDs that have been binned by record companies. After all, they only gave you their postal addresses to get your dad off the phone.
3. Change the band’s name and look every couple of years in a vain attempt at appearing to be relevant
4. Repeat stage three until you realise that your friends have all deserted you and that even the most imaginative of A&R scum can’t find a use for your worthless life. Even as a drug mule.
5. Attempt to kill yourself but fuck it right up
6. Repeat stage five until you die, penniless and unloved, some decades later. Of natural causes. Unsigned.

‘The Great Escape’
1. Get signed
2. Get dropped
3. Go back to your day job
4. Grow up

Good luck!

1 comment:

Guy said...

Come on, lets have some more bile!